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You were my Sweet and I was your Rajah, and while we were never actually a "thing" there were so many times that we thought about it. There was the night in Florida during Spring Break when we sat on the hood of the car and looked at the stars...the drive home from New Orleans when you slept in my arms in the back seat...marathon card ...walks to and from class. . .endless late-night talks and chat sessions and e-mails... visits with your family, whom I dearly loved and still love to this day. Your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister-in- . I always felt so at home around them, and what wonderful in-laws they would have made. I fit in so well with your family and in some tiny ways still feel like I'm part of it (this is only reinforced by your nephew). As for the two of us, there was such chemistry there. Such commonality of interests and personalities. Such. . .mutual desire. You wanted me and I wanted you and we both knew it, but we also knew that acting on it could--would--have been disastrous. So we danced at arm's length, wondering if there'd ever be a song to draw us body to body. Ultimately, when the time came to choose which to take in our relationship, neither one of us were right for the other. And so we chose other roads, as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim. And ultimately, 20 years later, I daresay we are both happy with our choices--and that's all I ever wanted for you. It was the last question I ever asked you. Yes, there have been times--giant chunks of years--when life was not so happy, but both of us had the to work through our own private struggles and come out better for it. We have wonderful spouses, wonderful families, and wonderful lives. And I would not trade them for anything. Still... I don't think I ever got the closure I needed, way back in college. . .our disassociation was awkward and ill-defined. And so there are times when my eyes have clouded over and developed that thousand- stare, and I've wondered. What if. What if. What if. What could have been. Were you the one that got away? I wonder. I will never know. The years have gone by and the distance, both and emotional, has grown wider. Despite my protestations this is probably a good thing. Oh, I tried a few times to connect with you but you wisely kept your distance. You closed the door, however gently. I eventually came to realize: I have not been your Rajah for a very long time. It's bittersweet; though I'd love to be "close friends" with you for the rest of our lives, I also know that deep down in my heart I'd always a flame. And so I respect the closed door, and accept that there must be distance, and come to satisfaction that on the occasion we actually do see each other, we're meeting on equal footing as friends and nothing more. It has taken me many years to release my emotional attachments to you, and writing this all down is the long-dormant, much-delayed, but final catharsis to effect my own closure. It does not matter whether you ever see it or not, though part of me hopes you do. My Sweet , this message is the last time I will ever you by that name. How I shall miss it. The pet name may in my head for decades to come, but I can no longer risk being subject to the emotions with which is it laden. I am letting go. One thing I'll probably never be able to change is that whenever I hear a certain song I think of you. The association was not intentional; there is no particular history with us and this song. It randomly came on the radio one afternoon a few years ago, and unbidden my mind was suddenly filled with thoughts of you. "Just for a moment I was back at / And felt that old familiar pain." It has happened every time since. The result is melancholy and bittersweet and wistful, and tears usually fall. However I resolve that from now on they will only be tears shed to honor days gone by, and not for what could have been. Our paths have been very different, and though I'm glad they cross from time to time, I'm content knowing that they will never share the same trail. This is so very hard to say that I don't even want to type it. But I must: Goodbye, my Sweet . -Rajah, once ---- Met my old lover in the grocery store The snow was falling Christmas I stole behind her in the frozen foods And I touched her on the sleeve She didn't recognize the face at first But then her eyes flew open She went to hug me and she spilled her purse And we laughed until we cried. We took her groceries to the checkout stand The food was totaled up and bagged We stood there lost in our embarrassment As the conversation dragged. We went to have ourselves a drink or two But couldn't find an open bar We bought a six-pack at the store And we drank it in her car. We drank a toast to We drank a toast to now And tried to reach beyond the emptiness But neither one knew how. She said she'd married her an architect Who kept her warm and safe and dry She would have liked to say she loved the man But she didn't like to lie. I said the years had been a friend to her And that her eyes were still as blue But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I Saw doubt or gratitude. She said she saw me in the record stores And that I must be doing well I said the audience was heavenly But the was hell. We drank a toast to We drank a toast to now And tried to reach beyond the emptiness But neither one knew how. We drank a toast to We drank a toast to time Reliving in our eloquence Another 'auld lang syne'. The beer was empty and our tongues were tired And running out of things to say She gave a kiss to me as I got out And I watched her drive away. Just for a moment I was back at And felt that old familiar pain And as I turned to make my way back home The snow turned into --
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